KCC: September 2023 - Maximum Overdrive

Maximum Overdrive (1986) Dir. Stephen King

The movie Maximum Overdrive is just like the Fast & Furious movies in the same way that The Shining and Hotel for Dogs (2019) are both about hotels.

Folks, I’m gonna be honest, there are a lot of things wrong with Stephen King’s first (and only) directorial attempt….. but it’d also a silly goofy good time like a lot of those other 80s “cult classics” that people love to tell you about.

There’s barely a story— It;s mainly vignettes that follow a large cast of characters over the course of one day, trying to durive the hazards that ensue when a mysterious meteor’s green radioactive waves turn all the cars (and other machines) sentient and vegeful of their bipedal flesh masters. This slice of life format really makes you think about what you’d do a situation like this. In all honesty with the way that I drive, were my car (Courtney Carx) to be sentient for even an afternoon, whatever vengeance its’ motor-car-heart desires would be completely justified.

One of the highlights is a young baby-faced Giancarlo Esposito that makes a brief appearance as a teen that gets killed by rampaging vending machines.

Unrelated, but I love how these cars just fucking hate people, to the point that they have no sense of self preservation and will do whatever it takes to kill this just married Philip J Fry motherfucker. I kinda wish that this was more like Monster House with cars. I have so many questions about sentient car biology.

Oujia Shark (2020) Dir. Scott Patrick

At first glance this movie is compentently made and probably netted a decent grade for whatever group of film students made it. Until it becomes an “everyone perpetually has their shirt off and their tits must be in frame at all times” movie. The transparent layer hand puppet shark is really charming.

The Horrors of Dolores Roach (2020)

Fun Sweeney Todd adaptation with a hot milf masseuse that’s a bit rough around the edges who uses her gorgeous arms to snap necks. Unfortunately it very much feels like an adaptation of a one-woman off broadway play based off of a podcast a man wrote. And it is, but Cyndi Lauper is here too.

Goop (the real one) : November 2023 - A Manifest of Slime



A MANIFEST OF SLIME:

Other lifestyle magazines might make suggestions. Or pride themselves on being the cutting edge of what “Doctors Don’t Want You To Know”.... What we do here at Goop (the real one) is make demands. By reading this you’ve already completed Step 1 of a multistep self actualizing-self improvement plan. What is our end goal? That’s something that hopefully the two of us will discover together eventually on a moon-lit stroll on the beach while we braid seaweed in each other’s hair…

Where do you see yourself in 30-40 years? By the year 2063, I have aspirations to be America’s Next Crypt Keeper. By then live mummification technology will have advanced so far that the competition may be stiff…

ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH THE IDEA OF DOG FOOD OR SOYLENT GREEN?

(The following recipe is for neither of these things but I’d like to think that this exists somewhere in the venn diagram between the two.)

KCC: February 2024 - The Round Up' II

Quick KCC PSA: Concerning whoever ordered a black bean quesadilla at the sentient bean at roughly 1pm ish Tuesday, January 9. I’m sorry I took your quesadilla. I Thought it was my burrito  because it was next to my drink at the counter. I should have double checked before I took it.  PLEASE CONTACT ME SO I CAN BUY/MAKE YOU A NEW QUESADILLA

House on Haunted Hill (1959) Dir.William Castle   

Gay people be like: Vincent price is reading everyone for filth, 

The music. The theremin. The rattling chains as the disembodied head of the owner is zoomed in tightly at the audience while chains and ghouls moan just barely quieter than the guy who’s talking. 

Something about movies before they really figured out how acting works makes  all of their eyes  so wet. 

Pritchard is the saddest wettest looking man in the entire world. Every member of his family has been murdered in this house and now this wealthy eccentric Bi4Bi t4t couple wants to lock themselves and like a handful of other people inside overnight like its a fucking highschool gymnasium Lock-In fund raiser to see if the ghosts of his dead relatives kill them. 

Also there's just a random non descript pool of acid just in the house. And they all just have loaded handguns that are NOT effective against ghosts. 

Old lady ghost you will always be famous. I love how you move like an animatronic even though you’re very clearly a human woman with eye contacts in. 

We’re Back! A Dinosaur’s story (1993) Dir.  Dick Zondag, Ralph Zondag, Phil Nibbelink, and Simon Wells

I’ll say it. I’m a John Goodman enjoyer. His voice coming out of a gentle giant of a T-rex that plays golf has me strapped the fuck in. This is literally the first few minutes of the movie. Anything could happen and I’d still enjoy it. 

A trio of dinosaurs, led by a t-rex John Goodman are force fed cereal that makes you smart by a time traveling wizard and brings the now intelligent and sensitive talking dinosaurs to the present day to make the dreams of children who want to meet dinosaurs in real life come true. Time traveling wizard has a twin brother who runs an evil carnival that's kinda based actually… 

All The best animated 90s children movies have butch coded protagonists… 

Credit to Friend of the Slab, Temple Cantrell  (@templesinfo) who showed me this hidden gem of their childhood. 

The Beekeeper (2024) Dir. David Ayer  







John Wick, but instead of avenging a dead girlfriend’s dog, Jason Statham is avenging a retired philanthropic black lady who killed herself because she lost millions of dollars that were for charity from a phone scam. 

A bunch of circus performers are performing at a party that the president is having at her house. Theres establishing shot they use is a close up of a guy in white gloves going nuts with a Fushigi ball this movie rocks. Jason Statham punches a man’s teeth out with a dial up telephone. 

Unfortunately bee puns were few and far from between but boy can this chap from jolly ole england punch people in a way that's electric.

The Descent (2005) Dir. Neil Marshal 

WORST GIRLS TRIP EVER. I don't care how deliciously sculpted Juno’s arms are or how experienced everyone in the climbing party was, leaving the map behind ON PURPOSE is selfish dumbass behavior. If I had a dollar for everytime a protagonist gets reborn in a pool of blood and commits violent self-destructive acts against themselves and others in the final 20 minutes of the movie I’d have a dollar. On the spookier end of cave based horror. 

None of the cave creatures are played by Doug Jones but we still love them regardless….

The Outwaters (2022) Dir. Robbie Banfitch 

Found footage of a desert hiking trip gone Wet ( read: Blood soaked) and Wild (read: Spooky) . There's some fun little mystery worms but honestly talking about this movie makes it sound more exciting than it actually is. BUT there is more than one moment that briefly hooks me. I love when they go upside down.  On the “experimental” end of cave based horror. 

Mojave Mo’ Problems

“If I had a dollar for every time a protagonist gets reborn in a pool of blood and commits violent self-destructive acts against themselves and others in the final 20 minutes of the movie I’d have a dollar….”

aaaand it happened again…

So now I have two more dollars for the movie renting fund. Yes I know pirating alternative, totally legal alternative streaming methods exists, that's how we watch most movies at KCC but they’re not always subtitled.. And baby needs subtitles. 

Ginger Snaps Back: The Beginning (2004) Dir. Grant Harvey 

What if the sisters from Ginger Snaps (2000) were in 19th century Canada and wandered into a trapper camp that's been under siege by werewolves after their parents died in a shipwreck. Historically inaccurate in a way that's charming. The budget went towards the essentials (big  rubber werewolf costumes) They are worth EVERY PENNY, I love how long the arms are. I don't care if it looks a little silly, it makes sense anatomically considering the proportions of a human adult running around on all fours. Admittedly a lot of the body horror, exploration of monstrous girlhood, and dark comedy takes a back seat compared to the original but still a fun watch regardless. That is if you can ignore the blatantly ignorant depiction of Canada’s indigenous peoples and lack of historical accuracy. (I’m not in the business of throwing stones but it does feel like the extent of the research that went into this was limited to playing/watching Assassins Creed games from the 2010s) 

Being an older sister is just like this sometimes… 

I still have my two dollars because I watched ^^^^^ on Tubi. shout out TUBI <3

KCC March 2024 - This is me... Now: A Love Story + Madame Web

This is Me…..Now (2024) dir. Dave Meyers 

From the mind…heart…dreams…. Of Jennifer Lopez from Hustlers (2019) : 

Did I start watching this movie so I could dunk on it? Yeahhhhh. One of my guilty pleasures is  gawking at pieces of media that are shamelessly self indulgent and self inserting. COugh cough Anything SJP does in the Sex in the CIty reboot Cough cough and arm chain analyzing their motivations and whatever warped sense of self they're desperate to project out into the world. 

The audacity to have a pantheon of celebrity cameos as embodiments of the different zodiacs who watch JLO’s life from the heavens is so glorious you can almost forgive the obvious AI art that holds the movie together. Not to discredit the immensely talented dancers, choreographers, and costume designers that brought it to life. The juxtaposition of watching elaborate group dancing choreography (something tech bros have yet to ghoulishly imitate with ai) vs an ai art tik tok zoom out mural intro that hurts your eyes is jarring. 

News Anchor Ben Affleck’s veneers can’t hurt you. (His facial prosthetics are likely the one practical effect in the movie) 

Christian Historians organize all history relative to its approximation to the life/death of christ. Similarly, the way that I measure time now is determined relative to before my friend Skip got vertigo watching this movie (BSGV) and a successful complete viewing of the movie (AD). 

J. Lo's love and apology to her childhood self powers the heavens and the stars. And Neil deGrasse Tyson scientifically explains to the audience how love powers the universe.

I’ve been getting reports that wearing a white t-shirt that says endangered species in impact font to therapy is in fact a serve. The sparkle sequin area where egotism circles back to being tongue in cheek and evocative. 


MADAME WEB  (2024) S.J. Clarkson 

A movie about Peter Parker’s Uncle’s coworker….

….And the gaggle of teens who ARENT Spidermen yet but will be in the future that are under her protection.

This is another entry that I initially wanted to watch bec ause of how hard twitter was dunking on it BUT...  I’ve had more fun watching this movie than any of the past decade and a half of marvel movies that I’ve had to sit through watching with my family/ absorbed through forcible cultural osmosis. It makes me question where the line in the sand is between enjoying something “ironically” and genuine engagement. Maybe there isn’t one. 

There's something about the way that Dakota Johnson delivers every line with such apathy that it’ll dip into an awkward earnestness that's almost charming. The baby shower scene is a good example of this. For a “throw away movie" that Sony is making so they can retain rights to their slice of Spiderman '', there's a weird amount of not necessarily A listers but there's enough name recognition  that makes me think that perhaps the studio had ambitions for something grander….

So the movie does address why Madame Web’s mom had to be in the rainforest researching spiders while being super pregnant just in case you were wondering. Because I sure was. All jokes aside, I had fun not having to pay for this movie by watching a recording of some guy who secretly recorded it with a camera with a smudged lens. I’m a sucker for whenever the song goes from non-diegetic to diegetic, especially if it’s Toxic by Brittany Spears…

“ Hey everybody, let's play a game that will be immediately awkward and uncomfortable if you’ve never had a relationship with a maternal figure.”.

TL;DR

This movie has everything: Blockbuster, Evil Spider-man's Jenny Nicholson-esque assistant, the implication that wearing the spiderman mask might not be too far from wearing a native american headdress (jury is still out on this one) and her web connects it all….

Queen of going blind because she got hit in the face with a firework while she was underwater.

KCC: October 2023 - Heavenly Creatures

Heavenly Creatures (1994)

 Directed by Peter Jackson


Full disclosure: this movie depicts real life events of the 1954 Parker-Hume case.

Trigger Warning for 1950s conservative New Zealand Homophobia and sexual assault/violence against a minor. 

Before the Lord of the RIngs, before the Titanic, before Yellowjackets, there was a delightful yet frightening movie that clocks in at a tight 99 mins called Heavenly Creatures.I could give you the full TL;DR but google is free, I want to talk about the real people’s princess Melanie Lynskey…  She was literally living that goth girl realness arguing about music with shitty boys at the local cemetery after school and then Fran Walsh was driving around New Zealand and happened upon her improv class. Fully projecting: but if her character Pauline Parker had the chance to read Stone Butch Blues she would be dyke with a funky gender in 2023 and nothing bad would have happened. 

There are two pieces of this movie that go “unadvertised” due to the “true crime-ness” of it all. The first piece, the genuine romantic longing that a lot of queer people growing up had for a friend of the same sex without quite understanding what that feeling is…  If you’re on the “cool” part of the internet you’ve probably seen gif sets of this without any context. 

The second piece is the dream sequences with the giant clay sculptures. I love their evil clay murder son that’s supposed to look like Orson Wells but because he's a modeling clay sculpture made by a child he looks like William Shatner. 

Baby Melanie Lynskey’s kiwi accent contrasted with baby Kate Winslet’s precocious Britishisms is adorable.  “All the best people have bad chests and bone diseases, it's all frightfully romantic”.

IS ICONIC QUEER CINEMAAAAA 

I feel like this movie does a good job of showcasing the tunnel vision you tend to get when you’re a kid and your mom tells you no. It’s easier to rationalize that your mother is the only thing standing in the way between you and your girlfriend running away together and not the fact that you’re only 15 years old and have no money in the remotely isolated New Zealand countryside. Honestly they should have been channeling this hostility towards Dr. Hulme and his stinky stinky sandwich jacket because he’s the one who introduced homophobia in the first place. 

The Extras:

Bottoms 

Wet Hot American Summer meets Fight Club made by the same funny gay people who made 

Shiva Baby. Soundtrack by Charli XCX. I saw it in theaters twice and plan on pirating watching it again when it goes digital. 

Psycho Beach Party 

iconic camp cinema featuring a T4T crime fighting duo trying to stop secret split personality murderer baby Lauren Ambrose. Could be a perfect movie if you just edited out the weirdly placed racism. 

Bonus: 

All jacked up and full of worms

Exactly what it says it is. Watch it with a friend. 

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KCC: August 2023 - Jason X


For you viewing recommendation this month: JASON X 

Now I know what you’re thinking,” Kel this is the 10th entry of a long running franchise there’s no way I’ll be able to follow the plot”. Don’t worry about it. Because this Friday the 13th movie does things a little differently… 

Because for starters it’s not purely a slasher, It's more like what if our good friend Jason Voorhees was an understudy for the Xenomorphs from Aliens. But everyone is dressed like live-action-y2k-scooby doo. Truly this movie has everything, nipple tweaking, accidental space 9/11, a dominatrix android, and enough wet and sticky gore to tide you over for the next time you get a taste for it. Literally nothing bad would have happened if they just listened to a woman but it's almost forgivable because it's a silly little movie with a run time of 1 hour 32 min. Have some beers or a bowl with your friends and spend the evening in with Mr. Voorhees. 

Quick Miscellaneous Recs: 

Dead Ringers (2023). The milf from the mummy (Rachel Weiss) plays twins in a mini series reimagining of the Cronenberg film. Features live birth, dyke drama, and Rachel…Twice? 

For the Gamers: 

Kentucky Route Zero (2013/2020). A point and click adventure game .  Ambient rain sounds included along with some lovely bluegrass. Builds an immersive atmosphere with charming geometric visuals.