This is Me…..Now (2024) dir. Dave Meyers 

From the mind…heart…dreams…. Of Jennifer Lopez from Hustlers (2019) : 

Did I start watching this movie so I could dunk on it? Yeahhhhh. One of my guilty pleasures is  gawking at pieces of media that are shamelessly self indulgent and self inserting. COugh cough Anything SJP does in the Sex in the CIty reboot Cough cough and arm chain analyzing their motivations and whatever warped sense of self they're desperate to project out into the world. 

The audacity to have a pantheon of celebrity cameos as embodiments of the different zodiacs who watch JLO’s life from the heavens is so glorious you can almost forgive the obvious AI art that holds the movie together. Not to discredit the immensely talented dancers, choreographers, and costume designers that brought it to life. The juxtaposition of watching elaborate group dancing choreography (something tech bros have yet to ghoulishly imitate with ai) vs an ai art tik tok zoom out mural intro that hurts your eyes is jarring. 

Christian Historians organize all history relative to its approximation to the life/death of christ. Similarly, the way that I measure time now is determined relative to before my friend Skip got vertigo watching this movie (BSGV) and a successful complete viewing of the movie (AD). 

J. Lo's love and apology to her childhood self powers the heavens and the stars. And Neil deGrasse Tyson scientifically explains to the audience how love powers the universe.

I’ve been getting reports that wearing a white t-shirt that says endangered species in impact font to therapy is in fact a serve. The sparkle sequin area where egotism circles back to being tongue in cheek and evocative. 

MADAME WEB  (2024) S.J. Clarkson 

A movie about Peter Parker’s Uncle’s coworker….

This is another entry that I initially wanted to watch bec ause of how hard twitter was dunking on it BUT...  I’ve had more fun watching this movie than any of the past decade and a half of marvel movies that I’ve had to sit through watching with my family/ absorbed through forcible cultural osmosis. It makes me question where the line in the sand is between enjoying something “ironically” and genuine engagement. Maybe there isn’t one. 

There's something about the way that Dakota Johnson delivers every line with such apathy that it’ll dip into an awkward earnestness that's almost charming. The baby shower scene is a good example of this. For a “throw away movie" that Sony is making so they can retain rights to their slice of Spiderman '', there's a weird amount of not necessarily A listers but there's enough name recognition  that makes me think that perhaps the studio had ambitions for something grander….

So the movie does address why Madame Web’s mom had to be in the rainforest researching spiders while being super pregnant just in case you were wondering. Because I sure was. All jokes aside, I had fun not having to pay for this movie by watching a recording of some guy who secretly recorded it with a camera with a smudged lens. I’m a sucker for whenever the song goes from non-diegetic to diegetic, especially if it’s Toxic by Brittany Spears…

“ Hey everybody, let's play a game that will be immediately awkward and uncomfortable if you’ve never had a relationship with a maternal figure.”.

TL;DR

This movie has everything: Blockbuster, Evil Spider-man's Jenny Nicholson-esque assistant, the implication that wearing the spiderman mask might not be too far from wearing a native american headdress (jury is still out on this one) and her web connects it all….